Researchers
at the Large Hadron Collider just recently started testing the accelerator for
running at the higher energy of 13 TeV, and already they have found new
insights into the fundamental structure of the universe. Though four
fundamental forces – the strong force, the weak force, the electromagnetic
force and gravity.
These forces
have been well documented and confirmed in experiments over the years, CERN
announced today the first unequivocal evidence for the Force.
“Very
impressive, this result is,” said a diminutive green spokesperson for the
laboratory. “The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers,” said
CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine. “It’s an
energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us;
it binds the galaxy together.”
Though
researchers are as yet unsure what exactly causes the Force, students and
professors at the laboratory have already started to harness its power.
Practical applications so far include long-distance communication, influencing
minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps. Kenobi says he first started
teaching the ways of the Force to a young lady who was having trouble revising
for her particle-physics exams. "She said that I was her only hope,"
says Kenobi. "So I just kinda took it from there. I designed an experiment
to detect the Force, and passed on my knowledge."
Kenobi's
seminal paper "May the Force be with EU" – a strong argument that his
experiment should be built in Europe – persuaded the CERN Council to finance
the installation of dozens of new R2 units for the CERN data centre*. These
plucky little droids are helping physicists to cope with the flood of data from
the laboratory's latest experiment, the Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE)
detector, recently installed at the LHC.
"We're
very pleased with this new addition to CERN's accelerator complex," said
data analyst Luke Daniels of human-cyborg relations. "The TIE detector has
provided us with plenty of action, and what's more it makes a really cool sound
when the beams shoot out of it."
But the
research community is divided over the discovery. Dark-matter researcher Dave
Vader was unimpressed, breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference
announcing the results, and dismissing the cosmological implications of the
Force with the quip "Asteroids do not concern me".
Rumors are
growing that this rogue researcher hopes to delve into the Dark Side of the
Standard Model, and could even build his own research station someday. With the
academic community split, many are tempted by Vader's invitations to study the
Dark Side, especially researchers working with red lasers, and anyone really
with an evil streak who looks good in dark robes.
"We
hope to continue to study the Force, and perhaps use it to open doors with our
minds and fly around and stuff," said TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi.
"Right now, to be honest, I don't really care how it works. The theory department
has some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I
think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool
the Force really is."
With the
research ongoing, many at CERN are already predicting that the Force will
awaken later this year.
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